SEINFELD
"The Handful"
THE LEGENDARY LOST EPISODE
Written by
Barry Friedman
e-mail handfuloftuna@cox.net
COLD OPEN
SCENE A
INT. TAXI CAB - DAY - (0)
JERRY
What are you going to do now that the Yankees
canned
you?
GEORGE
I've got an idea or two kicking around. You're
familiar
with soft-serve yogurt? I don't think it's
sold
aggressively enough.
JERRY
So you would hard-sell soft-serve?
GEORGE
Exactly.
JERRY
And
what about that revolutionary
breakfast idea of yours, Mr.
Edison?
GEORGE
Picture
this, my friend. A total bacon preparation
system combining two virtues Americans hold
near
and dear - religion and deep frying.
JERRY
Resulting in - -
GEORGE
Two
strips of bacon forming a perfectly crispy cross
thanks to my invention, the Cruci-fryer.
JERRY
In
other words, you have no clue how you're
going
to make a living.
GEORGE
Absolutely
none.
FADE OUT:
ACT
ONE
SCENE B
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
- DAY (1)
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE TALKING AS KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Yowser.
JERRY
Hey.
Are we still going to the flea market
tomorrow morning?
KRAMER
Six
a.m. sharp, gringo.
KRAMER IS SMILING BROADLY.
GEORGE
Why are you in such a good mood?
KRAMER
I'm
just happy for Newman. His reduction
surgery
is a go.
JERRY
Hmm, less Newman. You can't hate that.
ELAINE
Reduction
surgery? I've never thought of
Newman
as being overly busty.
KRAMER
It's not his chest he's having reducted.
GEORGE
Well, his nose isn't that big.
KRAMER
His
nose? George, his nose is cute as a
button.
One doesn't tamper with that
kind
of nasal ambience.
ELAINE
(FINALLY
UNDERSTANDING) Ohhhhhh. Yeah.
Now
I get it. We're talking about his....
JERRY
Hold
it right there, missy. We're all adults
here
and the word you're about to say
cannot
be said in my apartment.
ELAINE
(IGNORING JERRY) Wow. It's that huge?
GEORGE
He dresses to the left and the right.
KRAMER
Christo wants to wrap it.
ELAINE
That
sure sounds like one humongous --
JERRY
All
right, Elaine. I've just gone to Defcon 3.
I
told you we don't say that word here.
ELAINE
Well,
what do you call it then? Your
he-ness?
KRAMER
Of
course not. Mine's frisky, so I call him
Scooter.
ELAINE POINTS TO JERRY.
JERRY
(MEEKLY)
Timmy and the twins.
ELAINE
George?
GEORGE
A
name? Why would I give it a name?
I'm
a little more mature than that.
ELAINE WAITS EXPECTANTLY WITH HANDS ON HIPS.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(VERY
MEEKLY) Rusty.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. COFFEE SHOP DAY (1)
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE DRINKING COFFEE.
JERRY
Dusty? You call him Dusty?
GEORGE
Not
Dusty. Rusty. Why would I call him Dusty?
I dust
him constantly.
JERRY
Rusty does make a lot more sense.
GEORGE
He's
just taking up valuable crotch space.
I
should fine him for loitering.
JERRY
Have you always called him Rusty?
GEORGE
Of
course not. With the right woman he's
Randy.
JERRY
But,
of course, there's never a right
woman.
GEORGE
There's
always a right woman. I just happen to
be
the wrong man for her. Hence Rusty.
JERRY
But the hope remains that some
day he'll once
again be Randy?
GEORGE
Hope? What's hope? Look, he's been Randy
before
and I suppose the slight possibility exists he could
be
Randy again.
JERRY
It sounds like a classic case
of genital schizophrenia.
Paranoia. Multiple personalities. Maybe he's not
Rusty or Randy.
GEORGE
(VERY ALARMED) Maybe
he's Sybil.
CUT TO:
ACT
ONE
SCENE D
EXT. FLEA MARKET - DAY
(2)
ANTIQUES AND ASSORTED JUNK ARE DISPLAYED ON SELLERS TABLES
KRAMER
Just
do what I do. Watch and learn. Remember,
these
people expect you to haggle.
KRAMER PICKS UP A POTTERY JUG AND EXAMINES IT CAREFULLY AS JERRY WATCHES.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
(SOTTO
TO JERRY) Nineteenth century salt-
glazed
stoneware. American.
KRAMER TURNS THE JUG OVER AND EXAMINES THE BOTTOM
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Game,
set and match. You see that elongated
number nine? That's the unmistakable mark of
the
White's Pottery...
JERRY
Is that good?
KRAMER
Is that good? (CHUCKLING) Out of the mouths
of
babes.
KRAMER HOLDS THE JUG ALOFT.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
(TO
SELLER) What's your price this fine
morning, my good man?
SELLER
Three hundred dollars.
KRAMER
I'll give you a nickel.
SELLER
Sold.
KRAMER FLIPS HIM A NICKEL.
KRAMER
Buy yourself something pretty.
KRAMER SWINGS THE JUG AS THEY CONTINUE ALONG.
JERRY
What
was that? You can't buy
anything
for a nickel. What's it
really
worth?
KRAMER
Oh, it's easily worth the three hundred.
JERRY
But he sold it to you for a nickel?
KRAMER
It's
the art of the deal, Jerry. These
people
are motivated sellers. Besides,
I
paid cash. Now you try it.
JERRY
I don't want any of this junk.
KRAMER
You're
seeing the trees, Jerry, but where's your
forest? Come to Papa!
KRAMER RACES TO A TABLE AND SNATCHES UP A GLASS VASE WHICH HE EXAMINES
EXCITEDLY.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Art glass. Exquisite. Acid-cut and wheel-etched.
Unmarked, but unquestionably from the workshop
of
Emille Galle (PRONOUNCED GAL-LAY). A very
early example of the master's work. Go ahead, ask
him the price.
JERRY
I'm afraid.
KRAMER
It's
gonna be okay. I promise. Easy now.
Don't
spook him.
JERRY
(TO
SELLER) What do you want for this
thing?
SELLER
That
thing is an extremely rare piece of
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much?
SELLER
Four thousand firm.
JERRY
Uno
momento, por favor. (TO KRAMER)
What do I do now?
KRAMER
Go
ahead and make a counteroffer. He's expecting
it.
He'll be insulted if you don't. Hurry up.
JERRY
I'll
give you a dollar.
ECU: SELLER'S FIST ABOUT TO CONNECT WITH JERRY'S JAW. OFF JERRY'S LOOK OF
TERROR WE
CUT TO:
ACT
ONE
SCENE E
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (2)
JERRY IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH HOLDING AN ICEPACK TO HIS JAW.
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
You
are looking at a very rich man, Jerry.
I
have built the proverbial better mousetrap
and
the world is about to beat a path to the
Costanza door. What happened to you?
JERRY
I went to the flea market with Kramer and --
GEORGE
You,
you, you. It's always about you, isn't it?
Not
this time. This time it's about me. Let me ask
you a question. What do kids like to eat on a hot
summer
day?
JERRY
Ice cream?
GEORGE
You're really something, you know that? Ice cream,
he
says. A sugar-laden concoction of saturated
animal
fats. That's what you want to feed today's
health-conscious young people? Where do you get
the ego? I'll tell you what kids want on a scorching
summer day. Tuna. That's what. Cool refreshing
tuna. And how do they like it served?
JERRY
In a cone?
GEORGE
What are you - a
comedian? They like it by the
handful.
That's what I'm calling my new business.
Handful
Of Tuna.
JERRY
No plates?
GEORGE
Of course not. That would be Plateful Of Tuna.
JERRY
No silverware of any kind?
GEORGE
I
think not. No forks, no knives and absolutely
no
spoons.
JERRY
Condiments?
GEORGE
Not a chance.
JERRY
No napkins?
GEORGE
No
way. Just tuna. Sold by the handful.
You
reach in and you grab yourself some fish.
Small,
medium or large portions depending on
hand size. Keep it simple. That's the key to
success
in the tuna game.
JERRY
No bread?
GEORGE
Bread?
I can't believe what I'm
hearing here. Bread is totally contrary
to the Handful Of Tuna philosophy.
JERRY
No chips?
GEORGE
(REALLY
ANGRY) Chips? Why am I wasting
my time talking to you? You have no idea how
to run a business.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE F
INT.ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S
APARTMENT - DAY (3)
JERRY, ELAINE ON PHONE TALKING TO EACH OTHER. INTERCUT.
ELAINE
I
have to see him. It's all I can think
about. I'm losing it here.
JERRY
Who is this?
ELAINE
When
am I ever going to get another
chance
like this?
JERRY
Elaine?
ELAINE
Put
in a word for me. I know I can
make him happy.
JERRY
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
Newman. I have to sleep with him.
JERRY
That's
crazy talk. You hate Newman.
I hate Newman. Why would you sleep with
him?
ELAINE
Because it's there.
JERRY
But it won't be there for long.
ELAINE
That's
why I have to sleep with him now.
After the reduction surgery he'll just be
an uglier, fatter you.
JERRY
Newman. I can't believe it.
ELAINE
Don't
think of him as Newman: The Rude. Think of him
as Newman: The Ride.
CUT TO:
ACT
ONE
SCENE G
INT. HANDFUL OF TUNA TRUCK - DAY (3)
GEORGE IS INSIDE THE PARKED HANDFUL OF TUNA CATERING VAN. ON THE VAN'S SIDE IS THE HANDFUL OF TUNA LOGO AND THREE PAINTED HANDPRINTS - SMALL, MEDIUM AND LARGE. GEORGE IS WAITING ON BILLY, A TEN YEAR OLD BOY AND WE SEE A LONG LINE OF OTHER KIDS ALL CLUTCHING MONEY IN THEIR HANDS.
GEORGE
How ya doing, Billy?
BILLY
I'm really hungry today, Mr. Costanza.
GEORGE
You
came to the right place. What'll
it
be?
BILLY
Gee, there are so many choices I just can't
decide what to order. I know. Let me
have a cheeseburger and fries.
GEORGE AND THE BOY LAUGH MERRILY.
BILLY (CONT'D)
I'm kidding. A handful of tuna, please.
GEORGE
Let
me see those mitts of yours.
BILLY HOLDS UP BOTH HIS HANDS.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Look
alive, Billy. You know the drill.
BILLY IMMEDIATELY PUTS HIS RIGHT HAND OVER THE SMALL
GEORGE (CONT'D)
That's
one medium handful which means
you
owe me three bucks.
BILLY PAYS HIM.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Thank
you kindly. And now, my young
friend,
it's tuna time. Go fish.
BILLY DIPS HIS HAND INTO A TROUGH ON THE SIDE OF THE TRUCK . A MOMENT
LATER HE REMOVES IT AND WE SEE TUNA OOZING THROUGH HIS CLENCHED FINGERS.
HE TAKES A BIG VERY MESSY BITE.
BILLY
How about a fork and a couple napkins?
GEORGE AND THE KID LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY AGAIN.
GEORGE
(POINTING AT BILLY WITH BOTH INDEX
FINGERS
AND VASTLY AMUSED)
You.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE H
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - (3)
JERRY IS HAVING DINNER WITH AN ATTRACTIVE DATE.
JERRY
So
I offer this guy a dollar and
he
decks me. My jaw still hurts.
GIRL
I
didn't know flea markets were
so rough.
Are
you kidding? They're brutal.
And
here's the irony. They hold
the flea markets outside.
GIRL
Yeah. So?
JERRY
So
if you want to fight you can't ask
the
guy to step outside because
you're
already outside.
GIRL
Maybe you could ask him to step inside.
JERRY
(PONDERING) Yeah. Maybe you could.
GIRL
You haven't touched your pasta.
JERRY
(REALIZING
HE HAS NO UTENSILS) Oh,
great.
The waiter forgot to bring me
silverware.
JERRY RAISES HIS ARM TO SUMMON THE WAITER.
JERRY (CONT'D)
(YELLING)
A little help here. (TO DATE)
How's your steak?
SHE'S EATING IT WITH HER HANDS.
GIRL
Really
good.
JERRY LOOKS AROUND THE RESTAURANT AND SEES EVERYONE IS EATING WITH THEIR HANDS.
OFF HIS LOOK OF DISGUST WE
CUT TO:
ACT
ONE
SCENE I
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
(4)
SFX: KNOCK
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
May I enter?
JERRY
All
right, but I'll be watching you
like a hawk.
NEWMAN ENTERS AND THROWS HIMSELF ONTO THE COUCH.
NEWMAN
I'll make this short
and bittersweet.
Elaine is stalking me.
JERRY
How do you know it's Elaine?
NEWMAN
Because
I asked Elaine if she was
stalking me and she said she was.
JERRY
It would seem two and
two equals
Benes.
NEWMAN
Why would a dame like
Elaine be stalking
a fella like me?
JERRY
Don't
play dumb with me, Newman.
You
know why. Elaine's only flesh
and
blood. She wants what every woman
wants.
NEWMAN
I
should have known. The Newman curse.
Elaine
has fallen under its bewitching spell.
But don't blame her, Jerry. The crazy kid can't
help
herself.
JERRY
You've
got quite a party going on in those
pants
of yours, don't you, Newman?
NEWMAN
I've had my share of ups and downs.
JERRY
I thought you were getting reduction surgery.
NEWMAN
I am. I must.
You can't possibly know what
it's like.
JERRY
Maybe I can.
NEWMAN
(DERISIVELY) Come on, Jerry.
JERRY
Never mind about
me. Since when do they
do reduction surgery anyway?
NEWMAN
It's new. It's Swiss.
JERRY
I thought they
were supposed to be
neutral. And whoever heard of being
too big?
NEWMAN
How can you know
my pain? I'm a freak -
a man trapped inside a man's body.
JERRY
That doesn't make any sense.
NEWMAN
Don't
change the subject, bright eyes.
Now
you listen and you listen good.
Tell your friend Elaine to back off
because
there's no sale on the Newman
merchandise.
But tell her to check back
when
everything is thirty percent off.
OFF NEWMAN'S EVIL LAUGH WE
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT
TWO
SCENE J
KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
What's
Elaine doing lurking in the
hall?
JERRY
Oh, she's stalking Newman.
KRAMER
That
little vixen. Flea market coming
up again in a couple weeks. Are
you in?
JERRY
You bet I'm in.
KRAMER BEGINS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE KITCHEN CUPBOARDS IN A FRENZY. BOXES AND
CANS ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE.
JERRY (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
KRAMER
My
sweet tooth is acting up.
Where's
the sugar?
JERRY OPENS ANOTHER CUPBOARD AND EXTRACTS A BAG OF SUGAR.
JERRY
It's right here. I'll get you a cup.
KRAMER GRABS THE BAG OF SUGAR.
KRAMER
Don't
bother. I just need a
handful.
HE POURS HIMSELF A HANDFULOF SUGAR AND THEN LICKS HIS HAND.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
(CONTENTEDLY)
Nice.
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE K
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (4)
JERRY IS EATING SOME PIE. GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING AN
IMPECCABLY TAILORED ITALIAN SUIT AND TRENDY EXPENSIVE SUNGLASSES. COFFEE
SHOPS PATRONS RUSH TO HUG HIM, SHAKE HIS HAND AND PAT HIM ON THE BACK AS HE
BASKS IN THE GLORY AND GIVES GREETINGS AND THANKS. FINALLY HE SLIDES INTO JERRY'S BOOTH AND
FACES HIM.
GEORGE
It's all about giving back, isn't it?
JERRY
Do I know you?
GEORGE
(REMOVING THE SUNGLASSES) It's
me....George.
JERRY
Really?
Well, so it is. I couldn't tell with
that
faceful of sunglasses.
GEORGE
Well,
well, well. I see envy is
rearing
its ugly little green head. It's
driving you insane that Handful of Tuna
is successful, isn't it?
JERRY
Yes, it is.
GEORGE
Sure,
you liked the old downtrodden
George. The
George that was a
total
loser at being a winner. Let
me tell you something, buddy boy.
That George is gone forever - he’s
ancient history. Make no mistake.
There’s
a brand new George in town.
JERRY
Are you through?
GEORGE
Almost. What kid of pie is that?
JERRY
Coconut
cream.
GEORGE
(TO
WAITRESS) Slice me.
A SLICE OF PIE IS PLACED IN HIS HAND AND HE TAKES A BITE. THERE IS COCONUT
CREAM ALL OVER HIS FACE.
JERRY
You
were saying.
GEORGE HAS TAKEN TOO LARGE A BITE. HE'S SPRAYING
GEORGE
I'm playing for big stakes now so either
ante up or get out
of the George game.
JERRY
Would you like a napkin?
GEORGE
(IRATE)
No napkins.
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE L
THIS SCENE IS AN HOMAGE TO "THE ELEPHANT MAN" AND SHOULD BE
FILMED IN BLACK AND WHITE. WE SEE A WORRIED NEWMAN WALKING HURRIEDLY DOWN THE
STREET. HE KNOWS HE'S BEING FOLLOWED AND IS GLANCING ABOUT NERVOUSLY. WE
SEE ELAINE. SHE'S ZEROING IN ON HER TARGET - NEWMAN.
ECU: ELAINE'S SMILING FACE. SHE QUICKENS HER PACE AND....
ECU: A HARD TUG AT NEWMAN'S SLEEVE.
Resistance is
futile, Newman.
Stop.
It's over.
NEWMAN
(DEFIANTLY)
Never.
ECU: NEWMAN'S FEET BREAKING INTO A RUN
ECU: ELAINE'S FEET RUNNING IN PURSUIT
NEWMAN HAS RUN INTO A DEAD END ALLEY AND CAN GO NO FURTHER. HE TURNS TO
FACE THE INEVITABLE.
ECU: HIS FRIGHTENED FACE
SFX: HIS LABORED BREATHING
FROM NEWMAN'S POV WE SEE ELAINE BEAMING TRIUMPHANTLY AND INCHING EVER CLOSER.
NEWMAN
(ANGUISHED
A LA THE ELEPHANT MAN)
I
am not a human being. I am
a
mailman.
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE M
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT -
DAY - (5)
NEWMAN IS WEARING SILK PAJAMAS AND FUZZY BUNNY SLIPPERS - A DORKY HEFNER. KRAMER
ENTERS AND SITS PRECARIOUSLY ON THE ARM OF NEWMAN'S SOFA.
NEWMAN
Good
of you to come, Cosmo.
May I offer you a cigar?
KRAMER
I'd love a cigar.
NEWMAN
Perhaps
another time. I shan't mince
words with you, Kramer. Your friend
Elaine tried to assault me. Let me
remind you that any attack on me is
a direct attack on the American postal
system.
KRAMER
I
can't believe Elaine would perpetrate
such
a fiendish act.
NEWMAN
My
psychic scars bear eternal witness to
her savagery. I remember it like it was
yesterday.
KRAMER
When did it happen?
NEWMAN
Yesterday.
You should have seen her.
Stunted
little legs hopping up and down,
giant eyes bulging out of their sockets.
She looked like a toad wearing a sun
dress.
KRAMER
You
think you know someone and then
something
like this happens. It shakes you
up
inside.
KRAMER SHAKES VIOLENTLY AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH.
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE N
JERRY IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND SEES THE OBLIVIOUS, HAGGARD-LOOKING ELAINE
COMING THE OTHER WAY.
JERRY
Elaine. Hi.
ELAINE
(STOPPING) Yah. Hi, Jerry.
JERRY
What are you doing?
ELAINE
I'm
stalking Newman and I'm running
a
little late. Care to join me?
JERRY
I'd
love to, but I never stalk on
Thursday
for religious reasons.
Are
you okay? Your eyes are really
bulgy.
ELAINE
I'm
beat. Newman's running me
ragged.
It's go, go, go all day
long.
JERRY
What are your hours?
ELAINE
Regular
postal hours. I stalk him
8:30 to 6 on weekdays, until 1 on
Saturday afternoon and I get my
Sundays off.
JERRY
So
with lunch breaks you're
stalking
about a fifty hour week.
ELAINE
Right.
But Newman's real good
about
sick days and there's a
lot
of vacation time.
JERRY
You'd
think more people would
consider stalking as a career.
ELAINE
It's
not for everyone, but I like it.
Where
are you headed?
JERRY
I'm
meeting George. Why don't
you
come? You can get a handful
of
tuna.
ELAINE
It's
tempting, but you get a
handful
of tuna. I'd rather
get a handful of Newman.
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE O
INT. HANDFUL OF TUNA TRUCK -
DAY (5)
GEORGE IS DRIVING.
GEORGE
I'm
telling you, Jerry. Handful of Tuna is
just the beginning. Do you have any idea
how many fish and body parts there are?
It's endless. How about this? Snootful of
Skipjack.
JERRY
Fistful of Flounder.
GEORGE
Armful Of Albacore. We'll make money--
JERRY/GEORGE
Hand
over fish.
THEY GIGGLE.
GEORGE
And
it's not going to end there.
With the dough we make we'll
start manufacturing that novelty
item we've been talking about
for years.
JERRY
The toupee that laughs at itself?
GEORGE
That's the
one. We can actually waste
money on every half-baked idea we've
ever had. You won't have to be a
comic anymore.
JERRY
Thank God.
How many pithy observations
can one man make in a lifetime?
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE P
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT -
NIGHT - (5)
NEWMAN IS WEARING A SILK SMOKING ROBE AND AN
ELAINE
I
don't understand. You've always
wanted
to sleep with me.
NEWMAN
How little you know of amour, my pet.
I'm a man of many moods....an
emotional chameleon. Fickle? Perhaps.
Mercurial? Assuredly.
ELAINE
I
know -- it's because I've slept with
Jerry. Or it's because I've rejected you
before and now you're giving me a taste
of my own medicine. Nah. It's because
my butt looks too fat in these pants.
NEWMAN
Hush,
child. Understanding Newman is like
trying
to understand the wind. You
can't,
so just relax and enjoy the breeze.
ELAINE
I'm
tired of talk. I need action. Do you have
any
idea what you're passing up here?
ELAINE SLOWLY AND SEDUCTIVELY UNZIPS HER SWEATER.
SFX: ZIPPER BEING UNZIPPED
ELAINE NOW HAS HER BACK TO THE CAMERA AS SHE THROWS OPEN HER SWEATER.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Welcome
to Benesland.
NEWMAN SMILES AND WALKS TOWARDS HER.
NEWMAN
Nice
little amusement park you've got
there,
baby, but I'm afraid it's closing time.
SFX: ZIPPER SOUND AS NEWMAN ZIPS HER SWEATER UP.
ELAINE
Give
me a break, Newman. I've been
stalking
you for days and all I have to
show for it are blisters the size of
volleyballs and a much improved
understanding
of parcel post
regulations.
At least let me see it.
NEWMAN
See
it? Have you taken leave of your
senses?
It's like looking at a solar eclipse.
Gaze a moment too long and your retinas
will burn like a raging prairie fire.
ELAINE
I'll hardly even look. I promise.
NEWMAN
Very
well, Elaine. But remember, only a
glimpse.
FROM ELAINE'S POV WE SEE NEWMAN UNDO THE BELT OF HIS ROBE AND ELAINE'S BODY
BLOCKS OUR VIEW AS NEWMAN OPENS HIS ROBE.
NEWMAN (CONT'D)
(MAJESTICALLY)
Behold!
ECU: ELAINE'S ECSTATIC WIDE-EYED FACE.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE Q
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY - (6)
ELAINE IS SEATED AT A BOOTH WITH JERRY. SHE'S HEAVILY BANDAGED OVER BOTH
EYES.
JERRY
So how long before the bandages come off?
ELAINE
I don't know. A week. Ten days.
JERRY
You just couldn't look away, could you?
ELAINE
I
couldn't help it, Jerry. You only see
something
like that once in a lifetime.
JERRY
Newman.
A WAITRESS ENTERS.
WAITRESS
What can I get you?
ELAINE
What do you suggest?
WAITRESS
Everybody
seems to like the
handful
of salad.
ELAINE
That
sounds good. I'll have that
with
Italian.
WAITRESS
Coming
right up.
THE WAITRESS EXITS.
JERRY
You
can't have a handful of salad.
You can't have a handful of anything.
That's George's concept.
ELAINE
Oh,
yeah. I forgot. Handful Of Tuna.
Does he get a royalty if I order tuna?
JERRY
Maybe.
I'm unclear on the legalities.
THE WAITRESS ENTERS.
WAITRESS
One handful of salad with Italian.
ELAINE
I'm
sorry. I've changed my mind.
I'd like a handful of tuna salad
instead. Is that a problem?
WAITRESS
Yes, it is.
SHE FORCIBLY OPENS ELAINE'S HAND AND SCOOPS SALAD INTO IT.
WAITRESS (CONT'D)
Your
salad --
SHE POURS A CRUET OF DRESSING INTO ELAINE'S HAND.
WAITRESS (CONT'D)
-- and your dressing. Pepper?
ELAINE
Please.
THE WAITRESS GRINDS PEPPER INTO ELAINE'S HAND.
WAITRESS
Say when.
ELAINE
That's
perfect.
THE WAITRESS EXITS. ELAINE TAKES A BITE OF THE SALAD
ELAINE
Mmm.
That is tasty. Share?
JERRY
I already ate.
ELAINE
Just try it.
JERRY
All
right, but just a fingerful.
AS HE REACHES OUT HIS FINGER FOR THE SALAD WE
CUT TO:
ACT
TWO
SCENE R
EXT. FLEA MARKET - ONE WEEK
LATER
KRAMER AND JERRY ARE CHECKING OUT THE WARES.
KRAMER
I'm
feeling it today, Jerry. Oh
yeah.
We're gonna score.
(SIMULATING
ROLLING DICE)
Baby
needs a new pair of shoes.
We're
partners, right?
JERRY
Fifty-fifty. We're working out of the
same
pocket.
A SHOPPER BUMPS INTO KRAMER. KRAMER SPINS INTO ANOTHER SHOPPER AND
BOUNCES OFF. HE CONTINUES SPEAKING TO JERRY AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
KRAMER
Don’t stare, Jerry, but check out
that rocking chair at five-fifteen
JERRY
(STARING) Yeah, I see it. What's
the story?
KRAMER
Oh,
no story. It's just a Gustav
Stickley.
Only worth a cool g.
JERRY
What
are you going to offer -
fifteen
cents?
KRAMER
I'm not going to offer anything.
JERRY
They'll never sell it for that.
KRAMER
Jerry,
you're going to make the
offer.
I'm handing you the ball.
Take
it in for the six points.
JERRY
Are you sure?
KRAMER
Oh,
I'm positive. Spread your wings
and
fly, little eagle.
THEY APPROACH THE SELLER'S BOOTH. THE SELLER IS THE SAME GUY WHO PUNCHED
JERRY.
SELLER
Look
who's here. I almost
didn't recognize you standing
up.
Let's talk rocker, tough guy.
SELLER
I'm listening.
JERRY
Four hundred.
THE SELLER MOTIONS "UP" WITH HIS THUMB AND REPEATS THE MOTION AS JERRY UPS HIS BID.
JERRY
Five
hundred, six seventy five,
eight
fifty, nine forty three....
KRAMER
(TO
JERRY) I'm begging you,
Jerry. Stop the madness.
(TO
SELLER) Don't listen to
him.
He forgot to take his
medication.
SELLER
Stay out of this, you old punk.
JERRY
Seventeen
hundred. That's my final
offer.
Take it or leave it.
KRAMER
(TO
JERRY) I'm sure he's leaving it.
Let's went, Jerry.
SELLER
I
thought I told you to stay out of this.
HE LAUNCHES A PUNCH AT KRAMER. KRAMER DUCKS AND
ECU: PUNCH ABOUT TO CRASH INTO JERRY'S JAW.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE S
INT. HOSPITAL WARD -
SAME DAY
NEWMAN IS LYING IN BED. JERRY ENTERS IN A WHEELCHAIR BEING PUSHED
BY KRAMER. JERRY'S HOLDING AN ICEPACK TO HIS JAW.
NEWMAN
JERRY
(MANGLING
THE WORDS HORRIBLY
IN HIS PAIN)
Hello,
Newman.
NEWMAN
Hmm,
somebody disliked your
missing
sock in the dryer joke,
Jerry?
KRAMER
Can’t
you see the man's in pain
here, Newman? We had a
little
problem
at the flea market. Some
maniac
dropped Jerry like a two-foot
putt. His jaw might be
broken.
JERRY AND KRAMER EXIT AS GEORGE'S YOUNG CUSTOMER BILLY ENTERS ON
A GURNEY AND IS WHEELED PAST NEWMAN'S BED.
GEORGE (O.S.)
Hang in there, Billy. You're going to
make it.
BILLY EXITS AS A GROANING GEORGE ENTERS ON A GURNEY AND IS WHEELED PAST NEWMAN.
NEWMAN
George. What are you doing here?
GEORGE
The
tuna went bad. They think I have
a bellyful of botulism.
FREEZE FRAME:
SHOW
CLOSE
SCENE T
INT. HOSPITAL WARD -
CONTINUOUS
NEWMAN IS LYING IN HIS HOSPITAL BED AS A KINDLY LOOKING GRAY-HAIRED DOCTOR
ENTERS.
DOCTOR
I
trust you're resting comfortably, Mr.
Newman.
NEWMAN
I
don't mind telling you I'm a little edgy,
Doc. My most precious
possession will
soon be in your hands.
DOCTOR
Now,
now. It's only natural to feel
a
bit apprehensive before reduction
surgery.
It won't be long now if you
catch
my drift.
HE LAUGHS.
NEWMAN
Yes,
today's the big day. I mean the
small
day.
DOCTOR
Touche.
NEWMAN
Give
it to me straight, Doc. Am
I
going to make it?
DOCTOR
Of
course you are. There's nothing to
worry
about. You'll be a new man,
Newman. Now I'll have the
pretty
volunteer
nurse prep you. (TO
NURSE)
He's ready, nurse.
THE DOCTOR EXITS. OUR VOLUNTEER NURSE ELAINE ENTERS.
ECU: NEWMAN IN SHOCK
ECU: ELAINE WITH HER MOST DAZZLING SMILE
ELAINE
Sponge
bath?
FREEZE
FRAME:
END OF SHOW
